Tell me, do you think there could be a connection between being paranoid and being creative? I say this because I am certifiably occasionally both. More one than the other I would say. and I know that both require connecting ideas in long strings or networks, things that normal people may not connect, and the next thing you know you are either talking crazy or talking eureka.
and why, tell me, is it that when a man in history is a little crazy he often gets the crazy genius title. Whereas a woman who is crazy is just all Zelda Fitzgerald and should just sink away with her intense grey eyed stare and wine glass shattering incidents, and be forgotten? Tell me about crazy women who have been lauded, and not just as a romantic curiosity, tell me.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Five Second Fiction
You know how when someone uses a hypothetical person as an example of a point in conversation...when someone just invents a little fictional character to illustrate a story they are telling. {you know, the guy who...}
Well, I had a thought today about all of those five second fictions...lets get all those people together, all those jokers who never existed and who only enjoy only a second of our time. The ideas of people who have no purpose other than to briefly represent something, an act or a type of person, or a situation.
What if we let them enjoy more time in our thoughts, what else would they become, what kinds of things would they do?
Well, I had a thought today about all of those five second fictions...lets get all those people together, all those jokers who never existed and who only enjoy only a second of our time. The ideas of people who have no purpose other than to briefly represent something, an act or a type of person, or a situation.
What if we let them enjoy more time in our thoughts, what else would they become, what kinds of things would they do?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
float
Today my bus was traveling at the same exact speed as a bird that was flying beside it. I was sitting inside the bus and I could see the birds little puffy body in perfect focus. It was a tiny shiny black bird with some flecks of iridescence. And it looked like it was just floating there.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Lets Pretend that Life is Long
Lately, because of a certain tragic turn of events that are affecting a colleague of mine, I have been really REALLY thinking about how, as cliche as it is, human life is just so damn short and often sad.
But it leads me to the point of asking, if one were to truly embrace this idea that life is indeed an absurdly fleeting flash in the pan, and we might not be here for a lovely or upsetting tomorrow, what does one do with that realization?
Life is short so lets eat a lot of doughnuts, or sleep a little longer, or tell someone how you REALLY feel. Life is short so hug your dog, buy those shoes you love and get it with extra cheese. Life is short so do what you want in life and because there will (probably) be no one looking down on you and laughing at the general foolishness of your own life, you have to laugh at it yourself.
But, I think for me, because I dont trust myself thinking that it might be my last day on earth, which could actually be any day now, I am just going to pretend that life is long. I am going to pretend that life is long so that I wont call anyone up and tell them off, or send an email that gets me into trouble. So I wont get metaphorically, or actually, too drunk on life’s bounties...only to have the sun rise tomorrow on my big fat new headache.
But it leads me to the point of asking, if one were to truly embrace this idea that life is indeed an absurdly fleeting flash in the pan, and we might not be here for a lovely or upsetting tomorrow, what does one do with that realization?
Life is short so lets eat a lot of doughnuts, or sleep a little longer, or tell someone how you REALLY feel. Life is short so hug your dog, buy those shoes you love and get it with extra cheese. Life is short so do what you want in life and because there will (probably) be no one looking down on you and laughing at the general foolishness of your own life, you have to laugh at it yourself.
But, I think for me, because I dont trust myself thinking that it might be my last day on earth, which could actually be any day now, I am just going to pretend that life is long. I am going to pretend that life is long so that I wont call anyone up and tell them off, or send an email that gets me into trouble. So I wont get metaphorically, or actually, too drunk on life’s bounties...only to have the sun rise tomorrow on my big fat new headache.
Monday, February 2, 2009
25 things about me.
On facebook there is this note going around where you have to make a list of 25 things about you. They are fun lists, but I have too many random friends on facebook at this point so I decided to save this list for petri dish, so only the {in crowd} could read it.
1. I know almost every word to every Beatles song.
2. My greatest joys in life are Joe, music, cut flowers, those fage Greek yogurts and good conversation.
3. I am not really sure about anything.
4. I cant identify with confident people, but I am fascinated by them.
5. I like the idea of cooking good, healthy, fresh food, but I dont always do it.
6. I cant decide if I am vintage or modern.
7. I am looking forward to working on a dissertation-my own little project, my own little idea-and if it does not happen I will be sad.
8. I loved being a cheerleader, and I dont care what anyone says.
9. Before I was a cheerleader, when I was very young, I was so shy that I used to hide behind my mothers skirt and never say hello to anyone.
10. I am still painfully shy sometimes.
11. If I dont drink coffee in the morning I get a very bad headache and cant look people in the eye.
12. Sometimes I think life might be meaningless and I am temporarily paralyzed by that realization.
13. I like to swim but I am kind of scared of water.
14. I hate winter with all of my heart and I dont know what to do about it.
15. I love polka dots
16. I can sleep longer than most adults.
17. I never finished the thank you notes for my wedding and it will forever haunt me
18. I dont think there is such thing as “having potential”, I think you are either doing it, or you are not.
19. I was told once that I have “an artists heart”, and I think thats pretty accurate.
20. I wish I was more articulate in english.
21. I can love and hate the same thing or person.
22. I have poor reading comprehension.
23. I probably eat too much cheese.
24. I am glad I have no sisters.
25. I dont know what I would do without Joe, I would be totally adrift.
1. I know almost every word to every Beatles song.
2. My greatest joys in life are Joe, music, cut flowers, those fage Greek yogurts and good conversation.
3. I am not really sure about anything.
4. I cant identify with confident people, but I am fascinated by them.
5. I like the idea of cooking good, healthy, fresh food, but I dont always do it.
6. I cant decide if I am vintage or modern.
7. I am looking forward to working on a dissertation-my own little project, my own little idea-and if it does not happen I will be sad.
8. I loved being a cheerleader, and I dont care what anyone says.
9. Before I was a cheerleader, when I was very young, I was so shy that I used to hide behind my mothers skirt and never say hello to anyone.
10. I am still painfully shy sometimes.
11. If I dont drink coffee in the morning I get a very bad headache and cant look people in the eye.
12. Sometimes I think life might be meaningless and I am temporarily paralyzed by that realization.
13. I like to swim but I am kind of scared of water.
14. I hate winter with all of my heart and I dont know what to do about it.
15. I love polka dots
16. I can sleep longer than most adults.
17. I never finished the thank you notes for my wedding and it will forever haunt me
18. I dont think there is such thing as “having potential”, I think you are either doing it, or you are not.
19. I was told once that I have “an artists heart”, and I think thats pretty accurate.
20. I wish I was more articulate in english.
21. I can love and hate the same thing or person.
22. I have poor reading comprehension.
23. I probably eat too much cheese.
24. I am glad I have no sisters.
25. I dont know what I would do without Joe, I would be totally adrift.
Monday, January 12, 2009
poufy, puffy, displeasure
I realized today why exactly I hate winter. Its not just because it is cold. Its not just because it is bleak or because its dark. Its not just because I want to stay inside all day under the covers eating brownies.
It is because I hate *hate* having reduced manual dexterity because of winter gloves and I hate *hate* having a compromised range of motion because I am wearing a puffy down coat. And I hate other people wearing puffy down coats, they take up more room on the bus. I am always slowly swishing by someone and we are touching each other, but neither of us feel it that much. This dull sense of the space you take up sets in. I like to know how far I extend in every direction and I like others to know how far they extend too.
I want to be streamlined AND warm, is that too much to ask?
PS-did I mention the static? my hair waves in front of my face like a devilish invisible someone is tickling my nose with a feather to watch me suffer ever so slightly more. its the cherry on top of the sundae of my discontent.
It is because I hate *hate* having reduced manual dexterity because of winter gloves and I hate *hate* having a compromised range of motion because I am wearing a puffy down coat. And I hate other people wearing puffy down coats, they take up more room on the bus. I am always slowly swishing by someone and we are touching each other, but neither of us feel it that much. This dull sense of the space you take up sets in. I like to know how far I extend in every direction and I like others to know how far they extend too.
I want to be streamlined AND warm, is that too much to ask?
PS-did I mention the static? my hair waves in front of my face like a devilish invisible someone is tickling my nose with a feather to watch me suffer ever so slightly more. its the cherry on top of the sundae of my discontent.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Dr. Little Miss Queen of Darkness
Since I am experimenting with being a scientist lately, I feel like I am on the verge of becoming square. Some people think that because I am getting my PhD that I must be a good student. But I am really not, and I never was. I burned my report card in our driveway once, I remember my heart sinking in fear and sadness a bit when I saw the flame eat up my mediocrity. And feeling even worse when the report card was gone, but I still felt like a loser. And another year I meticlously cut out all the C’s, it created a swiss-cheese effect. I missed school many many many times-especially in 4th grade, due to “sickness”, that was brought on by I-didnt-do-my-homework anxiety. And then of course there was the time I climbed the Japanese maple tree in our front yard to escape having to get on the school bus to kindergarden. It worked.
Highschool was just a mess, over-fucking-flowing with bad feelings about school. Kicked out of honors freshman year, never to live it down to this damn day. Harassing the nun who taught us French. Every time she turned her back to write on the board-we moved our desks up just a bit-every-time-she-turned-around until we were right up on her and she was freaking out. I never really cheated or did drugs or anything like that-but I acted like I was bad ass and pissed off enough to do so. I think I drew on my sneakers once. I identified with Holden Caulfield, even though I probably never really finished reading the book.
And then of course there was Art School.
So now I am back in school, by some strange fluke of adult onset academic goodness. And I am feeling a bit like a Pollyanna, which I am not. I feel like I should get a tattoo or start smoking and wearing darker eyeliner and maybe become a self-loathing alcoholic. I think my voice should be raspier to reflect some kind of worldliness and experience in badness. I realized the other day that I still love the people who are super-smart, but who dont conform to what school has to give and who are, because they have some kind of advanced crazy mind, dark and brooding and screwed up. I still love people who are the most clever in a conversation but who get horrible grades. I like the tragedy of it and I love that song Little Miss Queen of Darkness because I imagine that they are talking about me, but I guess it will be Dr. Little Miss Queen of Darkness soon.
Highschool was just a mess, over-fucking-flowing with bad feelings about school. Kicked out of honors freshman year, never to live it down to this damn day. Harassing the nun who taught us French. Every time she turned her back to write on the board-we moved our desks up just a bit-every-time-she-turned-around until we were right up on her and she was freaking out. I never really cheated or did drugs or anything like that-but I acted like I was bad ass and pissed off enough to do so. I think I drew on my sneakers once. I identified with Holden Caulfield, even though I probably never really finished reading the book.
And then of course there was Art School.
So now I am back in school, by some strange fluke of adult onset academic goodness. And I am feeling a bit like a Pollyanna, which I am not. I feel like I should get a tattoo or start smoking and wearing darker eyeliner and maybe become a self-loathing alcoholic. I think my voice should be raspier to reflect some kind of worldliness and experience in badness. I realized the other day that I still love the people who are super-smart, but who dont conform to what school has to give and who are, because they have some kind of advanced crazy mind, dark and brooding and screwed up. I still love people who are the most clever in a conversation but who get horrible grades. I like the tragedy of it and I love that song Little Miss Queen of Darkness because I imagine that they are talking about me, but I guess it will be Dr. Little Miss Queen of Darkness soon.
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