Growth Quote

I found this quote the other day that I liked very much:

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow
sometimes in one dimension, and not in another;
unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are
mature in one realm, childish in another. The past,
present, and future mingle and pull us backward,
forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of
layers, cells, constellations.”-Anais Nin

La Vie en Gris

I had this thought today that was a complete one, one that I looked at from all angles that I was capabale of and could not find any discernable cracks in the logic. But it made me terribly sad to have realized what I have. It made me feel like there was nothing left to think about for me. That it was all finallly summed up.

The thought went something like this: Anything that we think is an absolute, is not. Things are so ambigious and changeable and life is one long continuium of greyness without any real black or white at the extremes.

I am drowning in a pool of greyness right now. I am overthinking things. Please offer me a black or white solution.

System Breakdown

Its your first day of the semester, you have a nice crisp notebook, sharp pencils, some binder contraption, a mind heavy with both a deep sick fear and a bright optimistic anticipation for learning new things. And you are absolutely blindly convincing yourself that THIS year will be different.

This is the year that you will write neatly and establish a system of keeping your papers and thoughts organized in such a way that will allow you to retrieve whatever piece of information that you need in an impressive 5 seconds.

My question is this. When does an organizational system ever really last? It always seems to break down at some point. When you are tired and then busy and then lazy and then someone else changes it and then it spills and scatters like several shiny colorful marbles and as you watch them swiftly roll away beyond your grasp, you are disappointed, but not surprised.

The you that expected so much sits down quietly discouraged and foolish and the you that is now-is ranting and shuffling papers and waving hands in the face of the structure of discipline that it once actually attempted to embrace.

Only to start the next semester, or project, or living space, or file cabinet, or excell document with the same clean sheet and open heart and so on and so on.

The Pages of You

You know how when you are at work you conduct yourself differently than you do at home, and different still than when you are at a restaurant or at a museum or a baseball game or when you meet someone new.

I know that modification of behavior for the purpose of acting appropriately for the environment is very necessary. You cant go around taking your socks off in a museum, and putting your feet up. But this multiplicity of self, is getting very exhausting for me lately. There are a few people who I can think of who have versions of themselves for work and play that are very nearly the same person, but I can never manage to do this with any success.

What if everyone you knew from all different parts of your life wrote one page about you and then all the pages were bound together in a book. Would the pages read the same thing one after another, or would the descriptions shift and undulate into a wildly diverse tome of You through the eyes of others?

When I think of it this way, like a book, it makes me want to wear different hats all over town-because that would make the most interesting book. Because who wants pages and pages of the same darn thing? No one would read it.

THIS JUST IN: I just found a quote that seems a perfect ending to this post:

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”-Anais Nin

Lace becomes Words

I have this habit of going into a clothing store and seeing some beautiful flashy print or bright colored item and admiring it immediately. Sometimes I buy these items. Sometimes I have the guts to wear them. Sometimes I dont.

When I get them home their loudness pulses in my closet-and I ask myself “can I really do this?”

So, it seems fitting that I have sort of done this with my wedding dress. I am getting nervous about wearing it, so I am going to write an ode to my dress, to make me feel better and to convince myself of its perfectness:

Its delicate and light
like a petal in the breeze,
a feather in the wind,
or love in the air
Yet it makes a bold statement
as if it were pink
or the darkest chocolate
and brightest sun.
It nods to days gone by,
but vibrates with modernity.
Its demure, yet sassy.
Its ego is distorted and diminutive,
but large and obnoxious.
It wants to hide,
but it cant
Sweet as sugar but may be,
hard for some to swallow
You will hate it,
and love it
Its a wallflower with wit
A cool drink with a twist
An adorable rebellion
A baby bunny with
dynamite in its mouth
Its a perfect tea rose with a thorn
Its a kiss followed by a
smack in the face,
followed by another kiss.


Now I feel better.

From The Hand of Another

Do you ever feel like you just cant seem to create something as beautiful as you want to? I find that things that other people do are always more beautiful than the things I do myself, from typographic treatments to eye-shadow applications. And it is not just me being hard on myself.

I think this is the case because the placement, color choice or texture that you are able to create is limited my the perimeter of your sensibilities. Nothing can be unexpected or have that flash of spontaneity when you have done it yourself and looked at it so many times. Something fresh can only come from the hand of someone else.

There is probably a way to infuse more unexpectedness into ones own work and to create something that surprises you with its brand of beauty. But I have not found it yet.

Ascertainment bias

I really liked learning about ascertainment bias in scientific research. It is when false results are produced because you may be looking too hard for only what you are looking for.

For example, you notice there are so many people in the world who have Birthdays in October. But really, its only because your Birthday is in October, so you are hyper-aware of those birth dates only.

I think that when people give advice they fall under the spell of ascertainment bias too. Maybe a neurologist thinks your problem lies in a pinched nerve, but a dentist insists its an abscess. I have been given some advice lately that I know was only given to me because the speaker has the same issue, and thinks that I do too.

So, if you have experienced something before are you more likely to think the whole world has what you have? or will you be detached and aware enough to admit when something new and mysterious is actually happening, that may lie beyond your scope of familiarity?