Monday, May 28, 2007

Your Invited to a Pity Party!

This wedding planning has made me feel wretched. I am disappointed in my materialism and perfectionism. I desperately need to put things in perspective and calm down. Everyone tells me that all brides go through stress and wanting things, but I thought I was different and am sad to learn that I am not.

I feel ripped in two. One side is pulling me towards all things beautiful: feathers gently waving, soft pink petals nodding in the breeze and glowing lights hung from trees-the other side is pulling me towards a sensible understanding and world-view of where this event really falls in the grand scheme of things: a few hours that most will forget, and that love will come without extra sparkles or pearls and it will envelop me with softness and honesty that will make wanting all other things seem foolish in comparison.

I feel dreadfully guilty for asking for help of any kind from even the most gracious friends and family. There is no sense of pleasure or of this being a fun time in my life. I am broke and pitiful. My stomach churns when I have to inconvenience someone for the sake of some wedding related task or event. I do not want anyone to be put-out, even if they insist profusely that its okay, I dont truly feel that it is.

I dont want money or time from anyone, both things are far too precious for me to ask for or take.

I feel irrational and hated. I feel hounded yet ignored. No kind words or actions satiate me, and harsh words send me into a quick rage.

I have yelled at Joe and cried often. He is still staunch in his sweetness, which reminds me why I am doing this. He is so forgiving and good natured that my superficial, self-centered wining seem all the more absurd.

I cant wait until its over.

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