bud

if i had to describe myself at this moment i would say that i am a budding scientist. the bud is tight, small and green, but changing every day.

I have never so profoundly felt the crippling anxiety that whatever resolutions and conclusions that are reached within the limits of a day in the lab, which either excite or confuse, are meaningless until they are put into the context of the past. It may be that science works this way in all respects, that whatever we know today is just a shred of what we will know in the future and this is exciting of course, but makes for a weird feeling at the moment in the present.

i dont know how to let myself feel about it, should i really get upset when something does not work or will i find out next year that that was not working for a very specific reason that was out of my control. and by the same logic, should i allow myself to be happy when something works, or will i find out next week that it was "working" because of an error.

i cant help but look back at myself last tuesday and think what i fool i was thinking all the things i did about the work that i was doing at that moment.

i guess that this is progress, if even on a very very minute scale. it just feels so different than any other job i have had.